5329 Woodlawn Blvd • Minneapolis, Minnesota 55417
612-205-5517 • email@example.com
ST. JOHN’S UNIVERSITY – LIBERAL ARTS, MIDDLE OF NOWHERE, MN SEPTEMBER 2010 – 2014
Bachelor of Arts: Psychology, Minor: Economics
Foreign only in Passport Diversity Scholarship (2010-2014)
Rugby Player, Comedy Writer, Sex Icon (patent pending)
Metro State University – Inner City, MN September 2021 – Present
Bachelor of Arts: Screenwriting
HAWORTH MARKETING AND MEDIA – MINNEAPOLIS, MN SEPTEMBER 2019 – PRESENT
Senior Technical Support Analyst
Ever asked the question who manages the people that tell you to turn it off and on again? Look no further. It requires a specific set of skills that I’ve cultivated over the years, most important the act of repeating myself, which was taught to me by my mother, a living saint. Please don’t give any of my subordinates anything less than 5 stars, because then I must have a meeting with them.
HAWORTH MARKETING AND MEDIA – MINNEAPOLIS, MN JANUARY 2017 – SEPTEMBER 2019
Technical Support Analyst
You’re living, breathing I.T. guy. You’ve seen me around the office, crawling under desks, rushing into conference rooms, and wearing the bare minimum required for business casual. I have expert skills in finding the input button, making sure a power source is active, and scratching my chin at a difficult problem. If you’re familiar with turning things on and off again you do not need me on your team, you’ve already got an expert in the office. This of course is a stop gap job while I figure things out, I’ll be long gone before I end up in a management role. Please don’t ask me to help you with excel, I’m still recovering from my last pivot table.
US BANK STADIUM – MINNEAPOLIS, MN SEPTEMBER 2017 – PRESENT
Event Day IT
Glorified stadium worker. Often seen leaning against a pillar watching the event and rushing nowhere fast. If you were paying close enough attention at Super Bowl 52 you may have seen my red head handing out Microsoft Surfaces to Eagle and Patriots alike. Or you may have tried to get in with a fake ticket and I would have had to call security on you. No hard feelings Jim from Sioux Falls.
SECURIAN FINANCIAL – ST. PAUL, MN April 2016 – January 2017
IT Analyst – Service Desk
Big Time Corporate IT guy! Printer cables in the back pocket, disinfected headset, and floppy disk in hand. I’ve rushed to your cube many a time to find you’ve gone on your two-hour lunch, but don’t worry we will reschedule. I did my best to help everyone I could, but my scissors were blunted cutting through red tape before I could get you a new desktop. Nevertheless, the machine moves ever forward, propped up by my vast knowledge of legacy software from the invention of computing itself!
SECURIAN FINANCIAL – ST. PAUL, MN September 2015 – April 2016
IT Support Services
Temp job done to well, thus becoming full time job. Let this be a lesson to all those who come after me, if it’s not a job you like don’t do it too well because then it’s a career. When the big honchos needed a laptop for a conference or weekend away, they come to see me. Microsoft, you know I can install that. Sticky notes, you know I got that. Laptop bag, yeah sorry we don’t have those. It’s in the budget for next year though!
APPLE INC. – MINNEAPOLIS, MN September 2015 – August 2016
Have you heard of Steve Jobs? Do you have an iPhone? I thought I could follow in the footsteps of the greats and be a visionary leader, commanding a bloated market, and leading pop culture trends with my inventive commercials. So, I started working at the ground floor. You see me and my brightly colored shirt when you step in the door. I’m going to check in on your 4 to 5 times while you browse, the main reason is to meet the quota, the second is to discourage theft. I was phenomenal at one of these and I’ll let you guess. Also, if you’re in the market for an iPhone with the serial number shaved off, I know a guy!
BENEDICTINE VOLUNTEER CORPS – CATALONIA, SPAIN September 2014-July 2015
Counselor and Educator
My liberal arts degree in psychology and economics had companies knocking at the door to hire me. I was the bell of the freaking ball. But I thought taking a year off to volunteer abroad would give me the time to figure out my future path. Would I be a big ole business dog, a contemporary writer in the west village, or maybe UFC’s next great Irish Middleweight Champion. I would have flipped a coin, but I had more than two options. So, there I was on a mountain in Spain, with zero Spanish in my rolodex, beaming middle schoolers during dodgeball. Their tears cleared my head, the cries lifted my spirits, the blood fueled my soul.
Saint John's University
- 2010-2014 Bachelors Degree, Psychology